Posted by: S. R. on: May 12, 2010
Dear…
…although I lost almost 50 lbs last year, I am still on a journey to find myself and drop the remaining 20 or so that sit on my frame. i, like you, am trying to figure out what the right combination of levers are that will create a self that doesn’t require food as a prop. I recently read Geneen Roth’s new book: Women Food and God (http://www.amazon.com/Women-Food-God-Unexpected-Everything/dp/1416543074) She has been speaking a ridiculously simple but difficult to practice truth about ending compulsive eating: Eat when you are hungry, stop when you are full, and eat in a way that honors your body and your food. After flirting with Weight Watchers, OA, and other programs, I decided that what I really wanted was to end my struggle with the plate and the scale.
Thin is great, but peace is better.
I would absolutely welcome the opportunity to talk more about this because you are right, it IS not just physical (weight) but emotional, mental, and spiritual. I know myself well enough now to understand that I interpret “empty” as “hungry”—although its true that I am hungry in a certain way, it isn’t physical hunger I am feeling. But hunger for affection, companionship, love, sex, meaning, quiet, or energy. Yet, I’ve got this “identity” that being ME means being strong, energetic, always giving, always shooting for the stars.
Sometimes you get so caught up in the story, you forget you can stop reading at any time.
Love,
S.R.
Posted by: S. R. on: May 12, 2010
my blogging habits tend to mirror my eating habits. i’m either on task, on point, and on the wagon, or i am totally off. in life, it seems, things are hard to balance and it is hard to find balance.
Balance… the word exemplifies itself, the syllables equally weighed and neither asserting itself more than the other. symmetry in a word that defines symmetry.
but i digress…in my 20+ years of trying to lose weight and get to a weight where I felt “right,” i’ve learned that if i am on balance, i can easily managing my food, exercise, and emotions. when i am off balance, i try to even the scales by exercising too hard, eating the wrong things, and generally acting like a raving bitch. unfortunately, that approach reeks havoc with the scale. learning this about myself was game changing.
this discovery isn’t quite as amazing as a workable theory for cold fusion… but it feels like a real breakthrough because its helps me focus beyond my actions to address my motivation. i am, after all, a somewhat rational actor (even when i am a raving bitch), and when i act in extreme ways it is because something else is equally out of balance in another area in my life.
Posted by: S. R. on: March 24, 2010
i call “Bullsh*t!” on anyone who says that weight loss doesn’t mean feeling hungry. i’ve decided that’s the biggest lie perpetrated by the weight loss “industry,” quite possibly ever.
because losing weight does, in fact, mean that you will sometimes be hungry. that you will not have any points, any calories, any food– any room–left in your eating plan if you want to drop the pounds. i want to clarify that i don’t think losing weight means starving but simple hunger– the rumble and pangs in your stomach that say “Put Stuff in Here!” the key, which i wholeheartedly believe, is to learn to manage that hunger in a way that keep you satisfied enough and sane enough. Or, in other words, how to keep the rumble from turning into a rage and your stomach from screaming, “PUT STUFF IN HERE NOW!!!!”
when i first started my post-”program” weight loss efforts, i found myself resisting the plan because i believed that i would never have to feel hungry–but I WAS HUNGRY. it must not be the right plan or the right set-up– or I was just incapable of losing additional pounds. but i’ve now accepted hunger as a companion on this journey. i am familiar with it, made friends with it, and realize that if i am to succeed, i will have to overcome my fear and lack of comfort with feeling hungry.
i’m getting there. it isn’t always easy to wait, to decline, to stop, or to stay away. there are times (like yesterday) when hunger feels like a tidal wave and i am swallowed in the swallowing of food. but those times are getting fewer, further apart, and less forceful and i am slowing regaining my sanity without sacrificing too much satisfaction.
Posted by: S. R. on: March 17, 2010
My billion dollar question: What should I eat?
I don’t mean this in a “what’s for dinner/i can’t decide because there are too many options” kind of way. When I ask that question, it’s because I honestly have no idea what I should be putting in my mouth. I have a pretty good idea of the things I shouldn’t eat if I want to be successful in losing weight: cookies, cake (and its cousin cupcake), brownies, chocolate, muffins, and white flour pancakes. basically, most things that count as “dessert” are off-limits during times I am seeking to drop the pounds.
But that leaves a lot of things on the proverbial table. I typically don’t struggle with rice or bread the way some people do, so does it matter from a WEIGHT LOSS perspective whether I eat white, brown, or any? What about fruit? What about vegetables? What about fats? ARG! The possbilities are overwhelming and quite honestly discouraging.
To date, the only thing I have found to be wholly manageable is a program that somewhat closely reflects Optifast: lots of protein, non-simple carbs in the form of produce, and a little fat to top it all off. I know this works, but it is healthy and/or feasible to live this way in the long term (until I reach my weight loss goal)?
I find it particularly difficult to discern this complex situation when weight loss guides, like at Self or Fitness, recommend eating in ways that don’t work for me. I mean, I get that they don’t work for me, but then I’m not sure what will work…
I’ve consulted with a nutritionist and the feedback i got was less than encouraging. Much of the same nutrition advice that is available anywhere: whole grains, produce, lean protein, healthy fats, and lots of water. Again, not particularly helpful.
I am reluctant and scared to waste additional time trying to incorporate things into my diet that don’t result in the desired change. It feels like time is of the essence, and I don’t the luxury of time to figure out which things help and which ones don’t.
What’s your answer to the billion dollar question?
Posted by: S. R. on: March 15, 2010
After many months I am back to blogging about my weight loss journey and the forces that shape my relationship with food.
In 2009, I began a medically supervised program to lose weight and fundamentally change my relationship with food, and at the end of it (August 2009) I had dropped 45 pounds and was feeling a lot healthier both physically (nice ) and mentally (much nicer).
However, since then, my efforts have stalled, for reasons I don’t fully understand. I admit I have been somewhat lax–the occasional cookie or ice cream cone does make its way on to the menu. But my binges, previously a routine behavior, have become rarer and rarer… and at press time, I am struggling to remember that last time I really binged. (Hooray!) Still, my goal is still another 25 to 30 pounds away… and I can’t quite understand what’s been keeping them stuck to me. Hopefully, through this blog, I can discover and deal with whatever is keeping me from moving forward on that front.
There is another complicating factor in all of this, one I have refused to fully acknowledge and which causes me great pain, but is a reality of the life I am living right now: the effect of my weight on my marriage. That’s another issue I plan to explore here, regardless of pain or embarrassment, because I believe that other women who struggle with their weight may also be struggling with the effect of that weight in their marriage, particularly when it comes to romance and sex. Perhaps I am alone in this, but I don’t think my husband, who is in all other ways loving, caring, and devoted, is wholly alone in his reactions and response.
Please join me in my journey, won’t you?
